I was very fortunate to have been interviewed by Cooperative Paradigm on Tue, 3 Jan 2023. You can find more about Cooperative Paradigm here:
A transcript will be coming eventually. If anyone wants to do it for me. I am more than happy to post it.
I will also post an edited version of this here at some point. I have already started on this process.
First, let me tell you that my life is far from perfect. Do I have it better than some. Sure. I have a home, food, clothes, a car, cell phone, and internet. Yes. But, my life has its issues too. We all do.
If you are looking for some suggestions on how to clean-up or improve your life or just try to figure out how to possibly make things a little better, then here are some of my suggestions. Usually I will just blurt out my trifecta: Diet, Yoga, Chiropractor!!! But, I thought, now I would expound on the possibilities a little bit more than that so that someone might benefit from it.
Don’t think that you can just pick up the entire list below and do it all at once. Not going to happen. Look through the list and find ONE that looks good. Work on that, integrate into your life, and then add another one once you have the first one integrated and stable. As you get going then you may find that making two or more changes may work together, but do not rush it, otherwise setbacks may seem like a negative thing and ending setting you back. Be realistic. Know your limits. Pace yourself.
You may even have to give yourself permission to do so. Never ever feel guilty about taking care of yourself. No one else can do it for you. No one else will do it for you. Only you can take care of you, so YOU will have to take time out for yourself in order to take care of you.
You cannot help anyone else if you are a complete and total wreck. You can only serve others if you are well. You could even inspire others to do the same by showing that you are trying to take care of yourself and that it is important.
If you have kids then you will also be setting a good example for you kids too by showing them that taking care of yourself is something that is important. I have a daughter and I try to show her that.
Fix your diet. Food is healing. If you pollute your body then you are polluting your body and you shall suffer for it emotionally and psychologically!
Professional Support: Talk to a doctor and see a dietitian or nutritionist if you can when you start to look at the food you eat and your eating habits. It can be dizzying once you start to really get into it.
Read the Labels: Start to read the labels on your food and then get ready to cry. Once you start looking at the labels for the foods that you eat you will never look at your food the same again, which is a good thing. I am NOT kidding when I say this, but when you start this process you will start to see that most foods available in the grocery store are trying to kill you. Let that sink in for a moment. And, if is says ‘diet’ then start to think ‘chemical shit storm‘,
You will want to eliminate foods with added sugar, high fructose anything, hydrogenated anything, fried anything, flour anything, as well as anything high in sodium/salt. Start by replacing one bad thing with one good thing.
Look for non-gmo and organic food if you can. Lingering pesticides and other chemicals can cause physiological reactions which can be bad for you. You should also wash your fruits and vegetables if you can just to make sure.
The best ways to have food is:
The ways you should absolutely avoid cooking food if you can help it:
If you are not sure about where to start when looking at fixing your diet, then a great place to start is the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) which aims to eliminate all possible foods which could possible cause you physiological problems, especially targeting potential foods which cause an inflammation response. Try that for a few months and then you can gradually phase in the foods your like to see how you react.
Fixing your microbiome can have radical changes to your mental health. Recent research found a correlation to autism and our microbiome. So, start taking a probiotic and a prebiotic to help support this process.
CBD oil is your friend. It may help with anxiety, stress, pain, and many other things. It can also help with sleeping. I have never slept well and it has been life changing for me and my ability to sleep.
There is only NOW to start taking care of yourself.
Right NOW You are in the perfect shape to take charge of your life and to start taking care of yourself.
YOU CANT DO IT!!
YOU WILL DO IT!!
Surround yourself with positive and supportive people and cutout the negative people. You have the right to do that. Life is too short to allow toxicity in it. I have had to do it too. Having negative people in your life can drag you down and effect you in powerfully negative ways. Stress can effect you in physically, emotionally, and physiologically. Stress has biopsychosocial effects.
Family is no exception to this rule. It is your life and you do not have to suffer with people just because you are related to them. You DO get to pick your family. Just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean they are your family. Family is not just who you are related too. Family is the people who really care about you and support you when you need it. It is a reciprocal relationship.
Here are 3 things to consider with unhappy romantic relationships especially new ones:
We all may have unrealistic expectations of our partners based on assumptions and expectations which have not been moderated by what our partner’s actual availability is as well as that powerful and exciting NRE (New Relationship Energy) which may very well have us not thinking clearly.
Every partner we have is going to be different. Clarifying how available a person is and adjusting your expectations based on that availability is important otherwise there will be much pain for both of you. If you expect one thing and they cannot give you that then no one will be happy and that is not a great way to start a relationship.
Talk. Spend time telling each other what each person:
… and then base your relationship on the realities of your existing real relationship and not the one you have in your head. In a sense, negotiate your relationship parameters so it is all clear to each of you, and then your expectations can then be set to your real partner and not your imagination.
If you partner cannot be available to give you what you need then you may need to find a different partner or and to find another partner which can fulfill your needs in that area. There is no harm in saying no to a relationship for now that cannot make you happy or meet your needs. Perhaps, when life circumstances are better for either of you, then a relationship which might make you both happy might be possible. Forcing it will NEVER work. Allow it to happen when it can and NOT when you want it to otherwise only pain will follow.
Saying no to a relationship or ending an existing relationship that is not making you happy does not make your relationship a failure. Almost all relationships will end at one time or another. What will make them failure is when you fail to communicate. Ending a relationship that has run its course or that cannot work is what needs to be done for both of you to be happy. It is the mature and responsible thing to do. Prolonging suffering is not a good relationship modality.
To sum it up:
Perhaps, another potential reason for some severe relationship anxiety that people might feel may be because of the horrors of monogamy that can have us have believe that all of our happiness depends on another person. That horrific and most harmful romantic myth that finding that one magical person in all of the world will make us happy. That – you completely me – thing. That idea that we need someone else to make us happy or to complete us. Or that idea of a one true love. If we let this one go then we may never find love again. It is not a real thing. It one of the most powerful societal lies that destroys people, families, and relationships.
This harmful myth puts an incredible amount of pressure on you and your partner for everything to be perfect otherwise your relationship is a failure. This is insanity, because ALL relationships are work. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or selling you something.
Only you can make you happy. Those other special people that you allow into your life are there only to bring joy to your life in specific ways that complement your own self cultivated happiness.
I wrote an article on my blog on managing jealousy which is not the subject of this section, but the steps there may be useful to those of you who are dealing with some negative emotions in relationships:
Once you know the reason for your emotional response, it can be easier to deal with it, although that can still be a difficult thing to ascertain, but such internal work can be powerful and enlightening for you and your partners.
Here are some links that may be of interest of my Transforming the World Conversation held on 14 Dec 2018 which concentrated on Sexuality and Gender.
Here are my posts on social sexual issues:
Here are some of my relationship posts:
Note: This post will be a sort of a part of a 2-part follow-up to my post on Understanding and Managing Jealousy:
If you have not read the other two articles then please take a look.
Jealousy, that horrible Green-Eyed Monster that can tear apart relationships, can rear its ugly head enough in monogamous relationships, but in an open or polyamorous relationships there are a tremendous amount of opportunities where jealousy can surface and cause problems if you are not prepared. The more we understand jealousy the better we will be able to tame this destructive beast. Please also take a look at my other articles on Jealousy to explore this further.
I envision there are 8 basic walls (categories of intimacy) that a person may encounter when jealousy, fear, and insecurities can really rear its ugly head. For some of you, depending on where you are at in your journey, these walls can be made of teddy bears and rainbows bringing us joy and candy, but for others, though, a wall can be made of a thousand pounds of tetanus-laden spiked bricks and wounded badgers which rise up to tear you and your loved ones apart.
Each person and each relationship is going to be different, but below are the eight walls I have identified that we may run into when our partners desire intimacy, are intimate, or show intimacy with others. Six of the walls are general categories of actions, and two are specific significant actions whose potential emotional response may be large enough to warrant its own listing. You might arrange them different for you, but I tried to put the walls in the order of least likely to most likely to trigger a jealous reaction. Some specific actions may be categorized differently for you than it is for others, or might be categorized under several of the walls for different reasons, but this should be good enough to start the conversation.
In the table below I have the 8 Walls listed with a rating scale (0-5) for the Jealousy Severity Rating, and a section for Partner Notes. You could even create subcategories to show that certain aspects are better or worse for you like: non-sexual physical intimacy does not phase you, with the exception of kissing which is something that you may consider very intimate, and seeing your partner kiss another brings out a fresh batch of negative emotions.
Here is a PDF version of this:Â Jealousy Severity Rating Worksheet
| Walls of Intimacy | Jealousy Severity Rating (JSR) | Partner Notes | ||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |||
| 1 | Interest in Another | |||||||
| 2 | Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy | |||||||
| 3 | Intellectual Intimacy | |||||||
| 4 | Emotional Intimacy | |||||||
| 5 | The “L” Bomb | |||||||
| 6 | Sexual Intimacy | |||||||
| 7 | Commitment | |||||||
| 8 | Children | |||||||
| JSR | name | description | notes |
|---|---|---|---|
|  0 |  no reaction | no negative emotions are brought up, sunshine and rainbows | good for you – compersive feelings are what it is all about |
|  1 | light jealous reaction | wibbling, you notice it and may be able to tell it to go away; you may be aware of what is happening and why | perhaps some more self reflection is in order and perhaps consider a future talk with your partner about this |
|  2 | mild jealous reaction | some negative emotions arise are creating stress and some conflict with you and/or your partners | this is a good time to start a conversation with you partner as well as healthy dose of self reflection time |
|  3 | definite jealous reaction | definite negative emotions arise: anger, sadness, feelings of loss or neglect and create definite conflict | therapist most likely needed, partner conversation needed |
|  4 | strong jealous reaction | crying, rabid fears run amok, feeling despondent, questioning relationships and partner choices | therapist definitely needed |
| Â 5 | overwhelming jealousy | hysterical crying, serious thoughts of divorce or breaking up, potential thoughts of suicide | therapist definitely needed |
Note: This post will be a sort of a part of a 2-part follow-up to my post on Understanding and Managing Jealousy:
If you have not read the other two articles then please take a look.
To get the most out of this article you will have to closely examine your past and present monogamous relationships as well as your thoughts, assumptions, and expectations in relationships to see the truth in what I am presenting. This process may be challenging for some. Keep in mind, also, that this is written in broad and sweeping terms.
This article is written from the stand point of an American in a westernized culture where monogamy is the norm and other relationships are not allowed and/or are punished. The only acceptable or even acknowledged relationship structure here is monogamy.
All relationships have a relationship agreement which governs what actions are acceptable or not – monogamy is no exception, although most do not even know that it exists or that this is a thing. The first rule of monogamy, like the Fight Club, is to not talk about the Implied Monogamous Relationship Agreement (IMRA) or even acknowledge its existence.
The IMRA is something that is ingrained and indoctrinated into us as children. It is a fact of life and no other relationship formations can even be contemplated or considered, because the rules for all relationships are already set in stone for you and they are to be a visceral and intrinsic part of your worldview, understanding of life, and the way you interact with people. Its rules and your acceptance of them is implied and expected by everyone as a matter of course. To violate these rules is to court disaster from society at large.
Our culture supports, enforces, and perpetuates the existence of monogamy and its relationship agreement through books, movies, music, religion, laws, and our societal expectations of relationships. Understanding that the IMRA exists can help us to understand our thoughts, emotions and desires, to manage and understand jealousy better, and to better understand relationships dynamics.
As a note – a lot of this is perpetuated and reinforced by 2 harmful ideas: the Starvation Model of Love and the One True Love Myth. If you have not heard of these then please look them up. Perhaps I will write up a short post on this as well.
The IMRA manifests as a series of Exclusivity Clauses (EC) which effectively state that your partner will have exclusive access to you in the following major areas of life:
I will talk about the individual EC’s a bit more below. In my forthcoming article that talks about the ‘Eight Walls of Intimacy’ you will see how these EC’s map to the Eight Walls – hint: they map pretty closely. Certain specific life moments may have significant overlap in several areas. Flirting is a good example of this, since it could hit on sexual, social, and intellectual or emotional areas, depending on the person or the situation.
For the following discussions I am going to assume that we are talking about a person who is in some form of a committed monogamous relationship (i.e. married or dating exclusively).
Before we dive in we have to create/define one word here as it will be used for our purposes so I do not have to repeat a large phrase each time:
person-gender:  a person of a gender that is appropriate for you as a potential romantic interest (i.e if you are a heterosexual woman then that gender would be male). This is typically applies to situations outside the work environment, but could apply there – each person, relationship, and situation is different.
Social Exclusivity points to only spending time with your partner and no other person-gender – not for lunch (especially if they are very attractive), not chatting on Facebook, not flirting with, not going to a convention or concert with. Your primary social partner is your exclusive partner in all things not work related and anyone else is infringing in that space.
Intellectual Exclusivity points to not finding other person-gender interesting or having interests in common (and wanting to share it with them) especially if your partner does not share it in common with you; not having deep conversations about life, politics, religion, or philosophy, etc.
Emotional Exclusivity points to only having romantic or other feelings of desire for your partner and no other person-gender – not still caring for your ex’s or even still carrying a flame for them or a previous love, not falling in love with or being attracted to someone else, not having a close friendship that is closer than an acquaintance or distant friend.
Sexual Exclusivity points to having sex with and only sexual thoughts for your partner and not finding other person-gender attractive or thinking about them sexually, not looking at porn, not admitting that they are pretty or are in great shape, not pointing out great things about them, since you should have eyes for only your partner.
Financial exclusivity points to not spending money on other person-gender – not gifts, surprise parties, trips, etc. All money should be spent only on your partner.
Parental Exclusivity points to only wanting to have children with your partner, not thinking about wanting kids with partner-gender or what your children might look like. Obviously, there are some exceptions when you already have kids with someone else, but the other rules still basically apply to them too.
I recently finished the book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. It is an excellent and life altering book. It really ties together a lot of what I have read about evolutionary psychology and evolutionary biology. If you have not read this book, or even if you have never read an evolutionary psychology book at all, read it. It may change the way that you see the world, and I mean that in a good way. It covers topics such as monogamy, swinging, infidelity, and polyamory in it. Â It truly covers the wide spectrum of human sexuality. Wow is all I can say.
If you do not know what polyamory is I have written a primer on polyamory for those who are curious.
I have posted a new article for the Milwaukee Examiner titled “Sacred Sexuality”
Sexuality is too often something that is thought of as sinful and something to be ashamed of. Sexual liberation is equated with perversion, moral weakness, or even in some places, a psychological illness. The United States, with its socio-cultural values deeply rooted in sex negative Western European Christianity, has a problem with us enjoying and embracing our sexuality, especially, and almost specifically, for non-procreative means. This sexual repression is the cause of much guilt, self doubt, as well violent sexual crimes, especially against women, since they are the supposedly the cause of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden.
To those religions and spiritual movements who believe in the sacredness of sexuality you will find that they believe that our sexuality can be a tool of healing and spiritual enlightenment when used properly and with the right intentions. Embracing and enjoying our sexuality can be a spiritual and moving experience that allows love to prosper and healing to begin. Connecting with another human being in such an intimate way can foster great feelings of love, contentment, self-value, and confidence, as well as emotional stability. Those wonderful world altering sexual moments can be a powerful spiritual experience that can reinforce our faith with the creator and another person.
All of humanity was not historically always sex negative. If you look to the past at some non-Christian paths you will find that some other religions have found something divine or sacred in humanity’s sexuality. There was even a sacred sexual Christian movement as well.
In Biblical and pre-Biblical days in Egypt, Greece, and Mesopotamia, there were religious sects dedicated to Isis and Bast, Aphrodite, and Ishtar/Inanna and Asarte respectively (and others) that held sexuality sacred and whose temples had women and men that were what we refer to today as sacred prostitutes, even though that is arguably not the correct translation for their title and position. These sacred or temple prostitutes were priests or priestesses that were trained and specialized in sacred sexual religious rites, and the use of sexuality as a tool for healing and spiritual enlightenment. These sacred sexual priests and priestesses held a prestigious place in their societies for their knowledge and abilities. They revered sexuality as a method of healing, enlightenment, bonding and pleasure.
In early Christian times we had the Christian Gnostic movement, which was present in pre-Roman Emperor Constantine‘s conversion to Catholicism and pre-Saint Augustine Christianity (200’s A.D), and had a similar attitude towards sexuality as a sacred and visceral part of our faith. This path was lost when Catholicism was made the official religion of the Roman Empire by Emperor Constantine and they moved to stamp out all of the other Christian movements to solidify their position.
Gnosticism is a current, and very much unknown, sex positive Christian movement that concentrates on the Christian Gnostic Gospels of Thomas, Mary, and Philip which were found in Nag Hammadi, Egypt in 1945, These gospels mention the Bridal Chamber and its ability for man to transcend through our sexuality.
If you look outside modern Christianity there is also the Pagan/Wiccan paths which also hold sexuality as sacred and some sects do have sacred prostitutes as well. We also have the Tantric and Taoist movements who also revere sexuality in a very similar way. In todays sexually oppressive society you still have a few options to explore, grow, and heal spiritually via your sexuality.
In the past our sexuality was seen as thing of healing and enlightenment and as time passed and philosophical and religious movements went on, they have become more and more sex negative much to our detriment. Fortunately there are movements which have retained a sex positive mentality and spirituality. Shifting our thinking and socio-cultural norms to revere, embrace, and respect our sexuality instead of loathing it will only help us to solve some of our problems such as our high rates of divorce and violent sexual crimes, as well as to increase our spirituality.
Image: http://media.photobucket.com/image/tantra/faerylore/LOOVE/tantra-2.jpg
Note: This article is nowhere near comprehensive. I am not a licensed psychologist or a therapist, check and this writing comes from what reading I have done on this topic and my own experience, so take this for what you will. If you have references or other things that may increase the usefulness or accuracy of my writing then feel free to post me about it. I am more than happy to adjust my writing to reflect a new understanding on this topic or to make this page much more useful.
This article assumes, for simplicity, a heterosexual monogamous romantic relationship that is having bad jealousy issues, but could be equally applied with adjustment towards homosexual/poly relationships when viewed through those glasses. Close friends not getting enough time or other less serious situations are not the focus of this writing, but may be just a applicable within that context.
Jealousy is something that we have to deal with, and is something that we are taught is OK. In many forms our culture, unfortunately, supports and perpetuates its existence through books, movies, music, laws, and societal expectations of relationship possessiveness and territoriality. How are we to manage or understand this “green-eyed monster” that can destroy relationships and our happiness, so that it is not allowed to do so, even when cultural support for it is so prevalent?
Understanding exactly what jealousy is, and how and why it affects us can help us to not only tame it, but to advance and evolve our sense of self and increase intimacy in our relationships. I am going to cover a bit here today about jealousy so that we can start the journey to defeat the “green-eyed monster” together and to evolve our happiness and security to the next level.
All of what I am about to write is predicated on there not being a definitive reason for the jealousy such as a history of infidelity or lying and so on. That is a totally difference scenario which I will not cover here, but, in that case, you will most definitely want to seek a qualified therapist. There are also many more links at the bottom of this page that will cover jealousy in much more detail and in a much more educated and qualified manner than I ever could. This page might be consider more of a primer on dealing with jealousy.
Jealousy is not an emotion in-and-of-itself. It is a cacophonous and yet subtle amalgamation of baser negative emotions such as insecurity, low self esteem, subconscious or repressed pains, and fear of loss, abandonment, or inadequacy that surfaces and affects us in ways that we may not fully understand or be able to describe when it happens. We just know that we feel bad or that it hurts when something triggers it, and we may get angry and frustrated because we do not, or find it very difficult to try to, understand it.
Jealousy is also rooted in the starvation economy (starvation model) of love, which essentially means that if my partner cares for someone else then they will care less for me, which greatly increases the level of fear, anxiety, and possessiveness. We love our parents, our children, close friends, and other extended family, so you do not necessarily need to be afraid that they are going to love someone else and not you. Your partner has room for you in addition to their close friends and family. Humans just keep on loving. It is said that fear is the opposite of love; and by letting go of fear (jealousy) you will foster love in your life.
These self-doubts, insecurities, and fears can lead us to question and pressure our partners in an aggressive and untrusting manner which can damage the relationship, or push them away. Gaining an understanding and control of jealousy will be important to the happiness and harmony of all your current and future relationships, especially the most important and intimate ones.
This frustration and difficulty of understanding these emotions perpetuates and hinders exploration and comprehension of what exactly is happening. Cutting our way through the pain and confusion is what will be important to defeat the ‘green-eyed monster’ and the havoc it wreaks upon our lives and relationships. Ultimately, bouts of jealousy indicate that there is some unresolved issue with yourself or with your relationship, but it also could point to an unmet need within you or your relationship. It signals a moment to learn about ones self and your relationship, which, of course, can be a mixed blessing.
Jealousy triggers typically involve ‘someone’ of the opposite sex of your partner. Your partner does something and you feel jealous and hurt, and you may or may not understand why. The action that started this process is the trigger. Examples of common triggers are: someone calling your partner or oogling at them, your partner staying our late, or wanting to spend time with friends, spending time with people in a very social setting where there are many individuals of the same gender that your partner could be attracted to.
You will need to pay special attention to your triggers. The triggers themselves may be revealing as to the underlying issue you may be having, especially if one trigger is fairly consistent and others are either non-existent or limited in their prevalence. This may help point to the underlying emotion that is causing jealousy to surface.
Your emotional response to a jealousy trigger is going to be very important to monitor and understand. Try to search your emotion and figure out exactly what you are feeling. This is perhaps the most difficult part. You will need to try to distinguish between individual fears and insecurities, and potentially trust issues. Take the time to think about you feelings to try to refine what exactly is going on. The more you can know about this the easier it will be to understand what your underlying issue maybe and how to deal with it. For this process you need to remove jealousy as a potential word for your emotion, since it is not an emotion in-and-of-itself. It is a crutch word that prevents your from searching for the real emotion that is bubbling forth.
If you are able to know you triggers and the emotional response to that trigger, then the next step is the take that information and try to find out why that trigger elicits that emotional response. Is it projected unresolved issues from the past, or perhaps you need more reassurance from your partner, or there may be any of a plethora of other things that may cause a specific type of trigger to generate a specific emotional response. Try to think about the relationship between the trigger and your emotional response, your past experiences and your relationship needs and desires.
Again this may be something that you will want a qualified therapist to work through. These are very complicated and potentially deep seated issues that some simple self exploration and talking may not deal with. Plus we are working against some very strong cultural and evolutionary programming.
Something that is very key to understanding and dealing with this issue is that no one can make you feel any emotion. You are an individual and you have a choice as to how you feel and react to situations. This is not what we are typically taught, but it is one of the most valuable things you can realize for yourself and you life. You have a choice to determine your reaction to a situation, albeit, until your realize this you may find yourself a helpless slave to your emotional whims. People typically go through their lives allowing their initial emotional response to bubble forth and then they go with it because that is all they know, but in the case of jealousy, or even any other negative emotion, it is not such a good idea to do so.
If you work at it you can separate the ‘action that triggers an emotional response’, the ’emotional response itself’, and the ‘underlying reasons for the emotional response’. Keep in mind ‘underlying reasons’ does not mean triggers themselves. The trigger, emotional response, and the reason are all separate and need to be inspected that way otherwise you may start mixing them up and call the trigger the reason, when it is not.
No one can make you feel a specific emotion. We are, in many ways, programmed via Evolution and Culture to respond a certain way to certain situations, but this is something that we can, with effort and desire, to control and modify it. This process can be a very painful, since it will require introspection, self-evaluation, a radical honesty with one’s self and their partner, trust, and vulnerability. All of which can be scary and difficult in-and-of-themselves, but to combine them into one process makes this not for the weak of heart. In the end, it can be one of the most rewarding things you can do. If you are not keen on going-it-alone with you partner in dealing with jealousy, then there are many qualified therapists that would be happy to assist you in this endeavor.
It is important to say to yourself  that ‘I will not allow my emotions to control or effect my life in a negative way and I will decisively choose to address them when they come up.’ Your emotions are your responsibility and you need to evaluate how they affect your life and address them appropriately. I will cover some communication techniques later on that will address taking responsibility for you emotions.
Writing can be a very therapeutic and revealing method to help you deal with jealousy and other issues too. Writing a journal will help you to keep track of and get out those negative feelings. In these days you could also record them via a small recording device if that serves you better. In either case, you will want to keep your recording medium safe from others because rarely is such a painful and deep-seated emotion pretty. Things may be written or said that can be quite personal and painful not only for you, but to those involved. If you are pursuing this process with your partner you may want to inform them that you are doing this and for them to respect your privacy if you wish it.
When you do feel a bout of jealousy starting you may want to take some time to write down the specifics of the situation that is triggering the jealousy. Keeping track of what situations or actions that triggered you to feel jealous can help you greatly in your pursuit to banish jealousy from your relationship.
As you are keeping track of your triggers, you will also want to also to write down your emotional response to that trigger. Write as much as you can and just let the thoughts and emotions flow so you can thoroughly explore and open them. Explore this state of mind and write down what you are feeling.
Once you have that recorded you can revisit it and explore your triggers and feelings and then you might be able to find a trend in your triggers or what it is that you are feeling. Perhaps you will find a reoccurring theme in your feelings and writings that may point to the underlying reason for your jealousy.
When talking to you partner form your thoughts along these lines: “I feel ‘this’ when ‘that’ happens” because ‘of this’.; and NOT “You make feel this way when you do this, because you ‘reason’.” since that wording puts the responsibility for your emotions on the other person and assumes that you know the other persons thoughts and intentions.
You have the right to feel how you feel, and the first wording reinforces you are taking responsibility for your emotions, which seems to be an affront to the common thinking of our emotional states, especially when it comes to jealousy and possessiveness with our partners. Jealousy seems to be treated like a crime that is inflicted upon us, when it is really something that we allow to fester within us due to a lack of open and honest communication and taking responsibility for our emotions. We, in our emotional ignorance, unknowingly inflict it upon ourselves and our relationships.
With sentences such as  “You make feel this way when you do this.” you are creating an antagonistic environment, putting responsibility for your emotional state to your partner, even though your emotions are yours and your partner may not have really done anything wrong. Doing so may put your partner on the defensive and may greatly inhibit communication and your progress towards resolution and understanding what you are experiencing.
This is more for the jealous person’s partner than for the jealous person. If you both know that you have jealousy issues then by not talking about it or confronting them, albeit calmly, coolly, and with compassion, you are enabling and reinforcing this behavior and allowing it to continue. Once you start to do that you are reinforcing for them that this behavior is acceptable and that you will just deal with it, which leads to not only a break down in communication, but also in bad feelings for both of you, and potentially a significant amount of resentment.
Take the time to care enough to talk about and address jealousy in your relationship. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away, and is only going to allow it to fester and grow stronger potentially creating a chasm between both of you with a lot of pain.
Pain and chasms – bad. Calm and honest communication – good. Realize that it is going to take two of you to address jealousy, so help to be apart of the solution, by not enabling this behavior. Perhaps you can be the one to suggest counseling if your partner is reluctant to.
What I have written is a pretty good start to this topic, but please do peruse these references for more information. If these do not suffice, please seek a qualified professional to assist you. I also will appreciate recommendations for any other pertinent and useful resources that you may find or know of. I did not include articles on therapy through writing. If you are interested google has plenty, of a therapist can help you with that as well. =)
I have written a huge page in support of the the Legalization of Prostitution and I thought would announce it to everyone so that they may rant or rave about it.
McCain BAD!
If you care about civil rights here is another reason to “Vote for Obama“:
Civil Rights has a history, order (especially under Bush politics) of suffering and being violated horribly under a Republican regime – I am talking to you Patriot Act, to which the ACLU has had to fight hard to try and fix. Who knows how many innocent people’s lives have been wrecked with these horrible laws in effect. Will these people whose rights have been violated ever be compensated for their governments enforcement of these broken laws? No. They will receive a “My bad!” and then be left tot recover from having their life destroyed by an illegal law.
The next president will most likely have the chance to nominate 2 or 3 Supreme Court Judges. The McCain camp is against Gay Rights which is very strongly a civil rights issue which he is against from a puritanical and ultra-conservative (save me some votes) standpoint. This way of thinking is one of the greatest problems with the Republican Party – Conservative Christian Religionism is their hidden mantra.
McCain will appoint judges that will enforce a close-minded backwards-traditional mindset and in an attempt to crush all of cultural progress out of fear, as well as crushing our civil rights in the process.
In this crazy and progressive world that we have here where monogamy is the established “norm” and medical sciences are advancing at a rapid pace as it has been for many, many decades, we may find that these two things are having humanity bypassing the advantages that natural selection and evolution would provide.
Natural Selection would normally be able to weed out undesirable traits and mutations fairly quickly (speaking in relative evolutionary terms here) by not allowing them to be passed on to future generations. Monogamy and our Advancing Medical Sciences bypasses this evolutionary benefit.
Monogamy ensures that, with birthrates (55% male and 45% female) as they are, just about all males will essentially have a one mate (assuming an even population density) and that each person will have only one choice for a mate, even if that choice is not as good or desirable as they could possibly have or desire.
The top males will have their choice of mates and the less desirable males will have the left-overs. This also means that these less desirable males will all have the opportunity to mate with a less desirable female ensuring that their (collective) less desirable genetics shall be passed on – perpetuating genes that would normally be weeded out due natural selection.
Today’s world with enforced monogamy essentially helps to ensure that “less desirable” mates will be able to find a mate and will be able to pass on their less desirable genes to future generations. This ensures that genetic mutations and abnormalities will be carried on to future generations and it will take much longer for them to be removed from humanity’s gene pool; whereas in cases where natural selection is allowed to run rampant the mates with less desirable traits or abnormalities would have their genes not passed on due to not being able to find a mate, thereby removing defective genes from the gene pool earlier, which allows for a higher quality and healthier humanity sooner than later.
Advanced medical sciences help to ensure that people with defective genes live longer and are more able to find mates; and therefore live longer and be more able to find a mate allowing them to carry on their defective genes to future generations, again, bypassing the advantages of Natural Selection.
People that would normally die off due to a severe genetic disease or would be shunned due to physical deformity or weakness are able to find a cure for their health and physical condition or are able to have the indications or effects of a physical abnormality removed or minimized, and therefore are able to procreate due a longer life span or abnormality minimization.
Advanced medical sciences allow people to live longer and healthier, and are able to hide evidence or minimize the effects of genetic abnormalities. Combined with monogamy’s gift of a higher probability of finding a mate make it much more likely that defective genes will remain in humanity’s gene pool longer instead of being weeded out due to no being able to find a mate.
“The greatest work the Devil hath wrought is making man afraid of love”
James E. O’Neill IV
Here is some reading about Marriage,
Love, and Gay Marriage from Biblical, Anthropological, and other perspectives:
On May 25, 2007 I became an ordained minister for the Universal Life Church. Why did it do that? That is a good question and I am going to try to answer it, at least a little bit, here. Some will laugh and some will cry (at the apparent absurdity) when reading this, and that is OK. =)
Religion, theology, spirituality or whatever you would like to call it is a person seeking that answer to the question that plagues each and every person in one way or time or another. Some have the strength to look for the answers themselves and some do not. Some are happy being told what to believe and some find satisfaction in their own pursuit to the answer. I have not really cared either way until the last few years when I began my own little search to find my answers. Will I ever truly find the answer? Just like everyone else – No, I shall not. Will I find the answers that make sense to me and sate my need for more answers? I certainly hope so.
There are things that I have thought and read about (from civil rights and relationships to religion) and conclusions that I have come to (but I will discuss them at a later time), and being guided by my home in Unitarian Universalism which has an penchant for lay lead services, I found this ordainment path rather appropriate for me.
Becoming ordained, is in some way, a personal affirmation that I am in charge of my spiritual journey and that no one else can travel it for me. I am responsible for my beliefs and no one can tell me what to believe. (Well, they can, but that does not mean that I will be a believer.) I must decide and discover what truths resonate inside me. Others may assist me along my journey by helping me to discover what I believe, but let them not condemn me for not partaking fully what is true in their own heart, for in each person lays their own truth and only they have the power to discover and unleash it.
I have semi-recently performed my first wedding ceremony and wow was I nervous. I am happy and more than willing to perform services for (and I support) those of the ‘LGBT+P‘ persuasion.
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